Ands & expectations

The cold turns me into a hermit and I, like most others, suffer from wintertime blues.

When the time falls back and darkness arrives earlier, I feel it in the deepest parts of my soul.

I feel darker and the chill often personifies me in the worst way, Sorry Matt.

All of this to say I, 100%, buy into the idea that humans are nothing more than complicated houseplants. I perk up and THRIVE with the sun and warm weather.

I’ve been focused on combating my excuses and pushing myself to do things even when I don’t feel like it. Through the isolation of winter, my sweet baby Lincoln gained his mobility. The boy is all over the place. I officially have 2 walking and that comes with new fears and anxieties.

I started to question my ability to go out with them alone. My brain, the liar it can be, had me envisioning pure chaos- both kids screaming and going in opposite directions, my surfboard carrying them at the same time with my back-breaking and pride puddling. The things my nightmares are made of.

This is all far less intimidating when doing play dates with friends because although their children add to the kid number, the presence of another adult makes me feel more capable of handling things if shit hits the fan. Spoiler, it never has but mentally, know you guys make me stronger and your small acts of support are big to me.

Anyways- the task of simply taking my two kids outside to play on my own was daunting and something I talked myself out of many times before. Just thinking of getting the three of us dressed, ready, and out the door was enough for me to think egh rather not. Why bother when they’d likely be ready to come back 5 minutes later? (They’re never ready to come in quickly) It’s too much to pull out every toy available (this is annoying but really, what is it hurting?) It also provides another opportunity to teach Thea to put something away before moving on to the next.

So this morning I decided to ignore the voice inside my head. It is beautiful and sunny out. It’s good for me, it’s good for them, and I know my mind can be a fearful, lying pest.

I got us all dressed for the day and walked out the door with half-mustered confidence. We played with bubbles for nearly 30 minutes straight. It was simple yet beautiful. I couldn’t help but snap a couple of pictures to help memorialize the feeling.

Then I thought, put the damn phone away. I don’t want to miss the magic of a moment because of an ‘and’.

I’m playing with bubbles AND taking pictures. I’m collecting leaves AND replying to texts. There’s always an ‘and’. This stayed with me the entire time we were outside. Being physically present is great but nothing beats true presence.

We played bubbles. Thea drove her Minnie Mouse car with huge improvements in her steering #proudparent. I wore Lincoln as he napped and Thea “rode her bike” (I pushed her on the toddler trike) We walked half a mile like that, me wearing 30 pounds and pushing 30 pounds. This was an unexpected but welcome workout. Then we wrapped things up by pouring, sorting, and essentially spilling water beads all over. I did all of this with no ‘ands’ to distract me.

It would’ve been easy and reflexive to have an air pod in the whole time, listening to my current audiobook that I can’t get enough of or nodding along to background jams. But in splitting my focus, I might’ve, most likely would have, missed out on a gazillion little conversations with my daughter. We delighted in every garden statue we came across, discussed how dogs were barking because they loved her so much and wanted to play, looked for the bird that was singing, and had a long repetitive dialogue about her wanting a playground in her yard like all the yards we walked passed (girl is tenacious).

The three of us spent over 2 hours outside and it was a glorious morning. I felt so proud and accomplished for my ability to get us out there and how much I enjoyed it.

…. Enter nap time… or lack there of…

Sometimes you have to know when to accept defeat.

And I did.

There’s an imaginary line that represents my threshold of patience when it comes to getting Thea down for her nap. Over two hours definitely exceeds that. I was so close to a spiral during the whole ordeal.

I could outline all the reasons I was ready to run headfirst into a wall during this fight for my life but it’s not important. I was able to watch the blame, frustration, and rage wash in like angry ocean waves and then observe them flow back out.

I clung to the mantra ‘I get to’

I get to be the one to cuddle and support my kids, even when they’re having a hard time. I get to help them through it. I get to model how to handle frustration in a healthy way. I get to show them I love them even and especially when they aren’t doing what I want.

What will be, will be.

The world won’t end if Thea skips this nap.

Maybe she goes to bed extra early tonight- great! Maybe she passes out later, at the most inconvenient time, and bedtime is way later than usual- that would suck but it would be okay too.

Nothing must happen for me to have a good day.

No small thing can make my day bad either.

I have the power to choose my reaction to everything around me. I can choose positivity every time and if choosing positivity is hard, I can see that for what it is. A shit moment. I’ll watch that moment as a patient observer shaking my head with a near giggle because it has no power over me.

I free myself from expectations.

I practiced that twice today. Ignoring my negative expectations of taking my kids out alone and it was amazing. Then again, when I expected Thea to nap and she had other plans.

It’s 4 o’clock now and she’s been perfectly fine and happy, I didn’t really expect that.

I’m giving up lots this year, now adding ‘ands’ and expectations to the list.

This complicated houseplant grew a new bud today.