Better than nothing.

Ask me what it’s like to experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows every day. I can tell you.

I was talking to Matt about this recently. He responded with, “Doesn’t everyone feel that way?” Where there’s a boiling rage inside your veins one minute and you’re smiling from ear to ear the next. He’s probably right. Nothing about the human experience is incredibly unique for any one of us.

Do we all feel pretty shitty a lot of the time?

I’ve always struggled with the deep dark lows, but this is different. Everything isn’t bad and gray all day long. It’s black for a moment then rainbows the next. I swear I’m getting whip lash. Someone call a doctor!

When I write and share something like this, part of me is like omg is this too much?.. I’m okay, I swear (don’t believe me, I’m lying). They’re going to institutionalize me. But these fears are exactly how I know this is worth sharing, because again, I’m not that special.

I’m confident a few of you are reading this and nodding your heads. If you’re not, what meds are you on and or what’s your secret?

I’ve been catching myself believing the lies- everyone has it together except me, I’m not capable, this shouldn’t be this hard.

No one has it together. We are all actors. I am capable of so much, but especially this life. No one is more capable of it than me. This feels hard because it is hard. I am doing phenomenally hard things every hour of the day.

There is common belief that we should be happy and there’s something wrong if we’re not. But that’s not true. Happy is just one emotion on the vast spectrum of feelings. A healthy, whole person should welcome them all and understand each is fleeting.

Just because two babies are crying, one toddler is throwing a tantrum, the other kid is repeatedly whining for a snack, the tv’s volume is up too loud, two toys are beeping, the cats are chasing each other through every room, the dogs are barking, every toy I just picked up 5 minutes ago is dumped out on the floor, and I feel completely irate and overwhelmed doesn’t mean any of those things will be true 10 minutes from now.

I remind myself that nothing lasts forever. Take a breath. Get through this current horrible scene. Release the tension in my jaw and relax my shoulders with every fire I put out. Count those handled tragedies as wins. I win more than I lose each day, I forget to remember that.

I have to accept that my days aren’t going to be filled with picturesque productivity or completed projects. Completion can never be the goal. Progress is my pal.

Something is better than nothing.

This is a hard concept for me to come to terms with as a chronic procrastinator. I like to put things off then handle it all in one fell swoop. What’s the point in starting if I can’t finish it now?

I was never the kid that started a project early and did a little bit at a time. I wasn’t even the type to review my work. This way of being worked well for me until now. This adjustment isn’t one that comes naturally to me, it’s an alteration to who I am as a person. However, making it a priority has helped me deal with the constant frustration and my struggle with my worthiness.

The mountain of laundry will always exist. I will never get the hours it will take to handle it all uninterrupted. But even 5 shirts folded and put away is more than nothing. Doing a little bit when I can turns that mountain into a mole hill.

Sitting down to write in my journal, a blog post, or drafting a story won’t come without a million distractions. One sentence down is better than none at all. Look at how many words I was able to string together here! While also changing 2 diapers, nursing a baby, making faces with another, and panicking if I will get it done before the two big ones wake up. This is a hefty win. I want to feel the elation of that.

I need to lean into the happiness and light of the good moments as much as the negative ones weigh me down.

Looking at all the titles I wish to wear, all the things I want to do, the person I want to be- doing something towards it all each day is better than being paralyzed and doing nothing. Every choice I make and reaction I give is a vote for who I am.

I get it wrong so many times, most days I get wrong more than I get it right. But I’m trying. I forgive me and I am proud of me.

I am crazy. This life is crazy.

We are all doing our best.

Well… a baby is crying again so that’s all for now :)

PS.

I have big plans for the future, many of which hinge on the growth of this blog. If you are habitual reader but haven’t subscribed yet, please do! If you are a loyal subscriber already, do me the biggest solid and share the link to this post or any other you’ve loved and give me a shout out on your socials. It’s the support and encouragement of you all that has me ready to take a leap. Thank you <3