Bye, January.

“How to stop time: kiss.
How to travel in time: read.
How to escape time: music.
How to feel time: write.
How to release time: breathe.” —Matt Haig

I’ve already stated, I’m doing this for myself. This blog acts as a sounding board, a mirror, and an accountability partner. If that’s what I’m calling it, what does it mean when I go ghost? It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. If I’m not showing up on here, am I still showing up for myself in the best way? Short answer, no.

The first week and a half of January were pretty euphoric but I have been faking it and or half-assing since. Showing up for yourself is HARD. Growing is HARD. Holding yourself accountable is HARD. Maintaining the things that do the most for me seems so damn difficult, it’s frustrating. I know I just need to do it. It’s that simple.

Although I admit to my struggles, this has been an incredible month. I did a lot of things right and held true to the person I want to be.

Days sober- 76
Books read- 16
Blog posts- 13
Decluttered- 10 bags and 3 boxes
Financial plan- on course
Shopping ban- upheld

Sobriety:
At this point, my sobriety is just a part of me. I don’t find myself struggling through triggers or cravings very often. I am someone who doesn’t drink. I have found new comfort in my sweet friend- Diet Coke, seltzer waters, and most recently- prebiotic sodas but these won’t kill me like my foe alcohol. Also, shoutout to oreo cookies. 3 to 5 of those suckers a night have replaced my wine nightcap. I'll work on this later. Let me have something. I have been in social settings with other people drinking and surprisingly, didn’t feel triggered then either. I am fun and social without liquid courage. I am not missing out on anything and feeling that way is a revelation.

Reads-
I have been a reading machine this month. Most notable and recommended are as follows-

The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times by Michelle Obama

From the opening to the end, I felt seen and on the edge of my seat. There were so many takeaways and the advice was immediately applicable to my own life. I can not say enough about how great I think this book is, if you read Becoming, I’d say this is even better.

Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know by Adam Grant

This was my first Adam Grant experience. His name has popped up in other things I have read over the years but I went into it not really knowing much. He is a fabulous storyteller who uses this tool to assists drive his ideas home. The power of thinking again has helped me tremendously since finishing this book. This serves as a good reminder that clinging to ideas can us hold back. Remain open, and flexible, and come at things as a scientist.

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig

I have an issue with labels and I don’t think I am unique in that. With this being said, I’ve come to realize I can and have been a depressive person. I can also be a person with anxiety. Pushing away labels doesn’t push away our problems. The fear of labels just makes that “thing” a scary monster under the bed. This book is mostly a memoir but part self-help. Listening to Haig share his mental health struggles was grabbing. I felt for him, I felt for me, and I felt for all of us who have felt anything similar. I loved this book. I went on to read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig after and the influence of his personal experience was obvious throughout the novel.

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabriella Zevin

This book was a warm hug. It is loaded with game references, having been a 90’s kid but not much of a gamer and married to a nerd- I was able to catch about half of them. But that didn’t matter at all. This is a story for everyone. It is about hard work, dedication, dreams, love, friendship, success, and so much more. I loved the characters. I loved the plot. I loved the writing. It was truly just SO good.

A Woman is No Man by Etaf Rum

This book was a 100-pound weight on the chest but in the best way. I enjoy reading about cultures and experience different than my own. I love the reality check it provides. This was a story of the women of an Arab American family- their struggles, secrets, and treatment. It was heavy and shocking but ended beautifully.

Decluttering-
Decluttering is an everlasting venture. I keep a box around to toss things in as a come across them organically. As I do laundry, if it is something outgrown or now unloved, it goes straight into the donate bin. When the donation box is full, I take it out of the house and to the donation center straightaway. Too often in the past, I’d bag things up to be donated and then they would sit for months. I am not allowing myself that excuse, as soon as it’s ready- it goes. I still have some large projects to tackle and declutter, and I really look forward to it because downsizing is addicting. I love the free space it has granted me in my home and in my mind.

Finances, debt, and spending-
The success we've seen in one month's effort is the biggest motivator to keep on keeping on. By spending less and having a debt plan, we have paid down 10% of our total debt and completely paid off 3 items. We did this while also putting 10% of our monthly income into savings. I hope to get our savings percentage higher throughout this year but this is a healthy start. We are also going into February with half of our bills already paid. This is all thanks to us being stringent with our budgeting and spending. When going through everything with a fine tooth comb, we found that in the last 3 months of 2022, we averaged 140 transactions a month on our bank card, not even considering anything on credit cards. This month, we had less than 40 transactions and no spending on credit cards. Talk about shocking. The shopping ban has been pretty easy for us too and it's especially easy when we look at the numbers and see the progress we’re making.

All in all, this has been a monumental month of self-reflection, vulnerability, and growth. I get stuck on the small details sometimes, and as much as I try not to, I do. Before writing all of this, I felt blah about this month. I criticized myself for the things I didn’t do and the habits I struggled to keep up with. I am my ultimate judge and I am an asshole who does not give me enough credit. The way my ego and true self fight for the limelight would make for a great pay-per-view match. It’s the end of the month, they went round after round but the victor is me. Suck it, ego.

I am currently reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. In it, she talks deeply about vulnerability and shame. Being vulnerable is where all the magic happens. She says when you’re opening up and sharing, that little bit you hold back to protect yourself, is where all the good stuff is. We love and admire vulnerability in others. We eat it up and soak in their honesty. We, I, can be that too. I have magic in me that I don’t want to hold back and hide. I have seen the magic in my vulnerability, it unlocks something in me and gives me power otherwise inaccessible. My too muchness will open doors. My courage is changing me.

Welcome, February.