Fixated.

I’m a bit manic right now. I had an idea grab hold of me yesterday,  and it has completely consumed me. It’s all I can think about and all I want to do.
Although this idea is something good, I’m resisting the urge to let it own me.
I’ve burnt out too fast on things that were good before. I am impulsive and indulgent by nature. There’s no such thing as too much of a good thing.
But really, there is. I commit too fast and make small interests my entire personality.

The problem is I end up only being that person for a few weeks, like kindling to start a fire; I go out too quick. I want to plan this next fire to last winter. The kindling is essential. It represents that initial passion that reacts to just a spark. But I need the big, heavy logs to keep the fire burning, stay warm, nourish, and get this idea to survive the climate of my mind.

Those are the logs of responsibility, presence, and preparation. I can’t let myself get so wrapped up in something new that everything else falls by the wayside. Keeping up with my non-negotiables is the key to my sanity, but it is the easiest to let slip. If I tunnel vision on this project, I know I’ll look up once the frenzy clears and fall into the black hole of depression at what I see around me. Nothing is more valuable than my mental health. Although riding the wave of overwhelming excitement is fun in the moment, I’m terrified of the undertow. I’m not a strong swimmer, and I’ve been caught in the rip current of self-loathing before. I stay out of the ocean to avoid it happening again.

I’m choosing to keep presence at the forefront of this new adventure. I want to be here and feel it all as it happens. Some of my favorite moments are blurs in my memories because I let myself get swept away. It’s not a negative, but being rooted in a moment would be much more rewarding. I want to look back and say I remember exactly when it started. I was ecstatic, inspired, and buzzing with energy. I want to feel the muddy, sticky middle and the pride of pushing through. I certainly will pause at the finish line, look around, feel my feet on the ground, and clasp my hands to keep from exploding. I want to feel every smidge of emotion that comes along the journey. I want to feel the warmth of the fire I’ve built.

Lastly, I’m going to be prepared. I’m entering this arena fully aware that I’m an amateur. There are so many people who have done this before me and are better than me that I can learn from. I have open eyes and ears, as I imagine myself to be a sponge soaking up every drop of knowledge and advice. I hope to never think so highly of myself that I can’t take a note. I’m reading everything I can and reading through new lenses, too. It’s funny how a new goal can change how I see and interpret everything. I will be a forever learner and a knowledge seeker as I plan to create something I’m proud to offer.

I’ve started a book. The inception was just yesterday. Yet, I have a nearly complete idea and a rough outline. I’ve banged out over three thousand words like it wasn’t anything. I am so submerged and captivated by this story. I don’t know if I’m wearing rose-colored glasses, but I really think it’s good, too. I’m caught between wanting to hold it close to my chest and protect it from any slightly critical opinions and shouting it from the rooftops. Talking about it here is what I’m considering an in-between.

I really do like it, though, and it has the potential to be great. On my shoulders lives a self-love queen who is always hyping me up and an imposter syndrome troll who beats me down. So far, I don’t believe either of them fully, and I think that’s a win.

I want to do this thing, and I want to do it right. Even though there’s nothing in the world I would’ve rather done than sit at my laptop all day writing, I did the stupid, normal, must-be-done things like feeding my kids, cleaning up toys, vacuuming, doing dishes, reading stories, and playing barbies. I even made myself write this because being here is also important to me. I found that ideas flow freer when I’m not forcing them, when my mind is “off,” but my body is moving. That’s a writing benefit of not putting my responsibilities off. HA, how’s that for rephrasing negatives! I don’t want to be so engrossed by the mania of my idea that I blink, and it’s over. I’m purposefully choosing to keep reading good books to help me fine-tune my craft instead of constantly writing every free second I have. I’m also seeking other writers.

The goal isn’t a major book deal. The goal is to create something I’m proud of. I’m not even giving myself the grace to consider what releasing it to the world may feel like. I’m focused on what writing feels like for me. My journey in creating it is as important and special to me as what I’m putting my character through. It’s personal, and the fact that I’m doing it feels magical.

My always supportive husband is ready to clock out on my success. I want to believe in me the way he does. I want people to believe in my story even more.