Lighter

I’ve written more than five thousand words this week, that’s only counting the blog and not my daily journal ramblings.

With each word typed, I feel the clouds in my head roll away and the weight on my shoulders release. This is undoubtedly the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I am lighter now.

Lighter in belongings. Lighter in trash. Lighter in shame, anger, and anxiety.

I swear even my sleep is different. I used to joke that I didn’t believe anybody woke up in the morning feeling well-rested. But hi, it’s me. I do. I wake up feeling good, rejuvenated, and sure I have the energy to take on whatever is in front of me.

I could probably attribute this to being 51 days sober but I know it’s more than that. It’s all of it.

I was living with blinders on. Feeling compliance and the status quo was easier than facing these obstacles head-on. I failed to realize the weight of dragging on each day dealing with the same old shit in the same old way.

Changing anything at all felt insurmountable. Getting through each day took more than I felt I had in me. How could I muster the drive to turn it all around?

The thread holding me together was so thin, that something as simple as a spilled cup of water, could and has sent me spiraling. I was already carrying so much and the balance so fragile, the wind could blow and send me toppling over.

The insanity of it all is I knew changing my life situation was as simple as a mindset switch. It is truly mental the way we can know the answer to our own problems yet still wallow in despair. It’s laughable when you make it out to the other end.

I know my experiences are not original- they’re painfully universal.

However, I did not realize how heavy the normal I had idly accepted had become. My days that were full of repetition, negligence, trash tv, and avoidance weighed me down so much. I didn’t know that maintaining this required much more of me than making a change. It took a toll on my mind and body to treat myself so poorly. Turns out, my unconscious self was just as unhappy as my conscious self with the life we were leading.

I made big changes. I stopped drinking, turned the tv off, and distanced myself from social media. I started writing, stopped eating out, cleaned, and engaged more with my life. Making all these changes at once should be hard, right? That’s the lie I used to tell myself. The truth is that it is addicting in the best way possible.

I have the capacity to take on problems- big, small, and even self-created because I put down the weight of all things negative and ugly. By freeing up the load, I welcome opportunities to show my strength and growth.

Once I had the first taste of this life, there was no turning around. It’s an obsession and it’s contagious!

There’s nothing like being in sync with your partner in a storm as powerful as this. We are the rain quenching the thirst of all the things we started that felt they were stuck in an endless drought.

We are breathing new life into all of our hopes and dreams. Everything is blooming and beautiful.

I am lighter.