No perfection.

There’s no need to cling desperately to any particular hope or idea.

I’d just written about giving up breaks and deserving more from myself, and I stand by that. But rigidity is not for me and belongs in the trash. It makes for unrealistic expectations and lacks sustainability.

Life, and my two small kids, do not give a single F about my well-made plans and perfectly scheduled days. They’re in cahoots to blow it up. Nothing brings me a tsunami of rage and anxiety more than wanting to do something and being unable to. The rage spiral leads to throwing the towel in and intentions to try again “another time” (which often never comes).

This is my issue with breaks and commitment. If one thing goes wrong, my knee-jerk reaction is to give up the whole plan. One hiccup and everything can become a problem for another day. I spent some time thinking about this negative pattern as it easily could’ve been the path I chose for today.

Last night, I chose violence in staying up until 11pm, finishing Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez, which was so sweet, progressive, and just absolutely lovely. However, when you’re me and in this family, staying up til 11pm is practically pulling an all-nighter. And just as one could expect, as soon as I went to close my eyes, the kids took turns needing something until well after 130am.

At that moment, I had already decided how big of a challenge the following day would be. I’ve made it a goal to be up before my kids, which has served me so well. But I was tired, and letting my alarm be the first to greet me in the morning felt unfathomable. I turned my alarm off. This choice gained me an extra hour of sleep but had the potential to make me lose so much more.

I had a decision to make. Was this a yield or a stop? I took my slip up a step further and lay in bed, scrolling for a bit before I pulled it together and forced myself up. I reminded myself speed bumps don’t have to be breakdowns. Just because things were hard and didn’t go exactly to plan doesn’t mean I can’t have a fantastic day and still complete everything I hoped to. The success of my day is not reliant on any one single thing.

I must let go of this big picture of perfection and focus on the small moments of awesome. Each second of showing up creates that big picture, not the other way around.

Last night sucked. That’s my reality, but it took beautiful courage to not let it ruin my day.

I’ve been practicing a couple new tricks. I am reframing my anxiety, which for me mostly shows up as anger, into excitement. Instead of feeling ragey and frustrated that I can’t seem to get anything done, I tell myself, “I am really excited to complete these tasks, and it’s going to feel so good once it’s done.” The switch is so minimal but has done so much for my mentality. I’ve gotten creative in including or distracting the kids and making the most of the time I do have.

Secondly, I’ve been pausing and asking myself, “What is actually wrong right now?” or “What would make this moment better?” when anxious or frustrated. Most of the time, the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with my kids seeking connection or having a need that doesn’t align with my current POA. How can I teach them flexibility and patience when I forget to demonstrate it? If there is something that could fix the situation or improve it, I’ll take that action. It reminds me of the control I have and the gift of presence.

So yeah, still no breaks, but yes to flexibility- my success can look different on any given day. Yes, to zooming in, the single strokes in a painting make up the big picture. Yes, to abandoning ideas of perfection.

Leaving this here as an everyday reminder.