Reality Check

Okay, accomplishment level 3000.

I launched my blog yesterday.

It felt good, powerful like I imagine it’s supposed to. I decided I might really do this thing!

Confession- I have been encouraged by others many times over to do this- no one more than my supportive, mountain-moving husband and I genuinely thought about it each time. Even got as far as creating socials, building a website, and writing 3 posts that never saw the light of the world before imposter syndrome hit like a tidal wave and I believed my inner voice of doubt.

So anyways- I ACTUALLY DID IT THIS TIME!

After writing my first post, I asked Matt if I could read it to him. Reading your written word is…. intimidating… vulnerable..

This is my whole husband who watched me shit myself, push human babies out, and get sewn up TWICE yet here I was hiding in the hallway reading my post to him while he played with the kids in their room.

He assured me it was good, great even! He said other nice things but, to be honest, I didn’t hear much after the first sentence because I was spiraling in my own mind that I might really do this.

This all happened around 330pm Sunday, January 1st. By 630pm, I had a website built and instagram ready. I hit copy + paste, wrote a short little bit for a facebook post, and then sent myself in the form of 926 words into the cyber world for judgment.

It was scary and exhilarating. I sat with bated breath for the first hint of action.

Then I sat there all night long (til 10 pm which is like a 22-year-old’s 4 am when you’re me)… and it was the first thing I checked when my eyes opened this morning.

It’s almost humiliating to admit that I watched every single like and comment come in as they happened. Even more embarrassing to expose what each did to validate me and fill me with pride.

I am not knocking self-pride, I think that it is important and even beneficial. But why am I letting likes on social media have any effect on the pride I feel in myself?

This goes far beyond the announcement of a new blog. My relationship with social media is something I have been considering for a while now. Setting boundaries with it is HARD. Checking it is compulsive, thoughtless, and easy.

For instance- I did my journaling this morning. Filled 4 pages mulling over all of this, and ended it in what I’d say is a profound way. Walked out to the living room, and gushed over my ideas to Matt. Then proceeded to pick my phone up, and check facebook, google analytics, and my subscriber count without thinking twice.

“WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH ME” I yell/whispered in exasperation with myself and my clear social media addiction. Seriously, it’s a brain drug and I need to rewire this noggin to get these dopamine hits elsewhere.

I asked myself, “self, what is it you think you get out of social media?”

I told myself the following reasons/lies/justifications-

1. I like to keep up with my friends and family here
2. It’s a good log of memories
3. Helps keep me up to date on things happening around me
4. It entertains me

Again, me to me- “Self, do these reasons hold up, or is there a better way?”

1. Keeping up with friends and family is high on my priority list. Fostering relationships is such a pillar in leading a happy and healthy life. Can I really argue connecting through facebook assists in this? No. My best relationships have nothing to do with my social media interactions. The people that I value should be connected with on a deeper level than hitting like on their picture. Allowing myself space from social media will encourage me to genuinely put care and effort into the relationships that are important to me.
2. It’s hard for me to argue against the easy, effortless log of memories facebook provides me. I check my memories daily like it's the first pee of the morning. I gush over the baby pictures, laugh at young Michelle partying, and everything else in between. But if facebook went away tomorrow, would these memories live on? OMG no! If my argument to keep facebook revolves around it serving as a memory keeper, it’s not the safest or best bet. There are better, more heartwarming ways to store memories so good try… but that’s not reason enough either.
3. Facebook is a terrible place to keep up with news and the best place to have friends reveal how misaligned our views are- which is also not a pleasant experience. “Things happening around me” is probably the best argument I have for a way facebook serves me but also my least used aspect so..
4. This is my most honest reason… It certainly does fill a void and “entertain”. This is me looking at all of you who share your salacious drama on facebook for us to eat our popcorn with… I get more of it than I should and that’s why I’m in this pickle. If I am using this as a way to combat boredom, I need to find better ways to entertain myself, and that's a challenge I am up for.

I hate the mindless, zombie-like scrolling I do on social media. I spend hours and hours each week looping through the same stuff for no reason at all. I’m not engaged with the content because I’ve seen it 20x. It might have done something for me the first pass-through- but I am so over-saturated and diluted with social media, I might have just scrolled past something life-changing due to nothing and everything at the same time.

I hate the way I always feel like I have to be doing something and if I don’t have something right in front of me (or even when I do), my hands and eyes are unlocking and opening and scrolling without even asking me if I care to join. But then I think since I’m already here- I might as well join them… and the cycle continues infinitely every day.

The consumerism aspect of facebook is another reason adding some distance makes sense for me this year, while on this journey of growing and spending less. I have fallen victim more times than I’d like to share to a good facebook ad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at the player or the game. I am just sitting a season out. (kinda because Busyplayn.com is still alive and well- facebook ads coming soon muahaha)

Social media is also the perfect breeding ground for comparison syndrome. We get this idea that someone is so perfect- their life is great, their home immaculate, they have all the best things, angels for children, and not an issue in the world. I can list some of my favorites with no hesitation. I even admire their realness in showing it's not all sunshine and rainbows which makes them, even more, glitter and gold to me. No one is safe from comparison syndrome, it reaches us on an unconscious level. It’s not all bad but it certainly isn’t all good either. I have done many follow cleanses to ensure I am only following people who align with myself or feel their content adds value to my life. I could’ve given up instagram a long time ago if it wasn’t for my virtual best friends, aka mom pages that have no idea I exist but make me feel so seen and safe. (I hope my page becomes that for some).

My relationship questions with social media are not new to me. I’ve just lacked the discipline and clarity before now to truly do something about it. In the recent past, I turned off all my push notifications and changed my notification settings in the app to not alert me as often. This helped lessen my screen time but not at a rate that satisfies who I want to be today.

Starting today, I will only check my socials 3 times a day for 10 minutes at a time. In these 10 minutes, I will surely be able to screen through my notifications and give the timeline a nice scroll. This should be more than enough to keep up with friends and provide me with this form of “entertainment” I very so much think I enjoy.

I’m hoping I get into this and find that once I’m over the detox stage, this space from social media is comfortable and I distance myself even more. However, I know myself and self-control is hard. I didn’t think setting this rule would suddenly give me the willpower to stop impulse-checking my apps so I took it a step further. I deleted all social media apps from my phone. My allotted 10 minutes 3 times a day will be completed on my laptop only. This provides more physical distance from my socials and me and makes me jump through a few more hoops to get my fix.

It has not even been a full 10 hours and the number of times I have grabbed my phone through muscle memory and clicked the spot where facebook used to be is shameful. However, I have had the will to laugh at myself, put the phone back down, and be present in whatever moment I was having.

In doing this- I have played with my kids more animatedly, tasted my lunch with purpose and savored my seltzer water with it, I nearly finished my audiobook, tidied my living room 3 times (because kids eye roll), and wrote this long ass blog post all before 4 pm.

I have plenty around me to fill my day with purpose, avoid boredom, and feel good. I do not need social media for any of that.

This journey that I am on is about finding peace, presence, and happiness. I am allowing others to bear witness. Their role has nothing to do with my definition of success or inner growth. I meet their interest and support with nothing but gratitude and awe, but do not use it as a measure of worth.

This is true for my blog, my personal facebook and instagram.

I want to live for my own satisfaction and search for my personal approval. Living and doing for myself will show up everywhere with everyone. Because when you do good, you get good.