Stranger.

Peace is my favorite song by Taylor Swift. I understand it on a visceral level.

“I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best. But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me. “

No matter how focused I am on my growth path and how good I feel, a black hole can find and suck me in.

I can control my choices and reactions, but I can’t control my feelings. I’ve fallen victim to my moods too often, letting the emotion I wake up with rule the rest of my day like a tyrant king. That could’ve easily been the truth of this day. I know this shit is repetitive. It drives me crazy, but through this repetition, I’m slaying dragons within my mind.

Despite how much I really didn’t fucking want to all day long, I kept doing it. It took the form of many different things, but all were steps toward my best self. I avoided couch lounging, doom scrolling, and self-pity. I acknowledged a million times today that I was feeling low. Acknowledged it like I would a stranger on the street, half smiling to let them know I know they exist but going on about my business. I’m not attached to this emotion any more than I would be a random person entering the grocery store. That person, and this emotion, is separate from me. It can exist without ruffling my feathers, like water off a duck’s back.

Granted, this stranger wouldn’t leave me alone today, and keeping with the analogy, it was worrisome and uncomfortable. But as I would with an unpleasant stranger, I left. I asked myself- “What would make me feel better right now, and does it align with who I want to be?” Through this, I did yoga, took a long walk, journaled, painted with my kids, and started a new book. I kept choosing small wins over and over. I forced positive.

I’m not attaching myself to any one emotion. I am not letting the agenda of a stranger derail my day. I can look at these things with sympathy and compassion, then keep on keeping on.

Back to the Taylor Swift lyric, the rain is always gonna come, but it doesn’t matter. I can weather anything. I will look at the stormy sky, shrug at the stranger, and go about my day.