Surrender

Surrender.

This word might sound like giving up, but I like to think of it more as leaning in.

Surrendering to what is instead of clinging to the longing for what could be.

This mantra has gotten me through so much in life and is the reminder I constantly need while on this journey. I get so wrapped up in all things I want to do and the progress I want to make- which is mostly mundane things like doing the dishes, folding the laundry, finally getting to that closet I want to organize, or more personal things like reading or writing.

Yet I will have a toddler repeating play with me or I want a snack like a broken record or a baby scratching me with razor-like fingernails to be picked up.

Doing and being anything other than mommy can feel impossible and, if I'm being honest- suffocating. It is a title I am most proud to bare and my favorite thing about myself, but two things can be true at one time. I love being a mom and only being a mom feels like drowning.

Making space for myself to wear hats other than mom took lots of intentional work and open communication with my husband. We worked out a schedule that allows me to clock out of being the main caregiver and focus on myself, and in doing this- I have been able to surrender and just be when with my kids.

I feel a lightness in spending time with them because I know the season is short. How lucky am I to get to be here with them and soak in all the things they do now, but maybe won’t do anymore tomorrow?  Nothing lifts me like the wonder in their eyes and the completeness of their laugh.

How can I let the desire to do other things cast a shadow on how beautiful these moments are? Knowing that I will have to opportunity to wear a different hat later, don a different role, and have space to not have to be a mom- even if it is just to be in the other room with headphones in to complete house chores gives me the patience to not worry about the ever-growing to-do list now.

All the other things can and will wait- the dishes and clothes, unfortunately, won’t run away. Nothing is as fleeting and important as childhood. Reminding myself of this and surrendering to the moment, makes the room seem brighter. This won’t last forever- which is both sad and happy.

In surrendering, I’ve grown to turn the tv off and put the phone down. I find myself deep in the throes of dinosaur pretend play or putting 7 baby dolls for nap time at the same time. We have read a gazillion books, colored, painted, cut, and glued. We go outside and pull out every toy to use for 20 seconds each.

I meet all of these experiences with renewed patience and appreciation. I read once to take a mental second to dog-ear a good moment when it’s happening and this idea has shown me how much good is in my life every single day. If my day were a library book to be returned, I’d have to pay for damages from all the dog-eared pages. I am so damn lucky.

I took the kids to the playground for a playdate this morning. My friend and I talked about how social media and our phones gave us a short fuse toward our kids. Scrolling and reading something we actually didn’t care that much about yet when getting interrupted 5 times while trying to digest it- snapping with frustration. When you dissect issues you’re having with your kids, it almost always ends with a look in the mirror.

Surrender and watch how the world changes.