Transparency

Today I don’t feel like it.

I woke up this morning and pushed my routine to the side.

I fought with myself in my head- “Get it together! Do the things you know have been making you feel good! Lazy bum!”

I took a break over the weekend, that must have been the mistake. It is too easy to slip and give up the things that do the most for us. It’s unexplainable but totally common. Why take a break from the things that have been doing so much to help me?

One day of putting it all to the side can be like completely sliding down to the base of a mountain.

Getting back to it today has been hard. It has taken intentional work to fight the lazy, unhelpful voice inside my head.

When I’m struggling, I look for the triggers and the why.

Working this hard on myself threatens the voice in my head- my ego. My ego likes to keep me down. It is comfortable when I am self-sabotaging. My ego loses when I quiet the noise in my mind and treat myself with kindness.

Slipping over the weekend, was just that- a slip. In the same way, a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling. I will not hold tight to this slip and let it define me. I will not cling to this idea that I don’t want to do all the things today. I am acknowledging it as if it is someone else's feelings and meeting it with compassion. Wow, I am waking up feeling not so good today and that sucks. Then letting it go. Just because I didn’t feel the flame when my feet hit the ground this morning doesn’t mean I can’t feel the heat later in the day.

I gave myself permission to feel my grumpy feelings. I sat on the couch a little longer than usual giving myself a little space to mope. Then I got up, sat down with my journal, and wrote about it.

Sometimes filling the pages doesn’t come easily. On those days I follow the 20-minute timer or 3-page rule, sitting with it until one of those things happen. In the end something always comes.

I give myself permission for my best to look differently each day. This is, in my opinion, my weakest blog post so far. But I showed up and I shared where I’m at. Struggling, not loving it, but doing it.

I did journal today, I tidied toys, swept the floors, fed my kids on an infinite loop, didn’t turn trash tv on, read stories, snuggled, and wrote this. It’s not even 3pm. All of this on a day I didn’t feel like it. I’d say that’s not so bad.

I won’t measure myself against the to do list that will never be cleared. Instead I will find pride in all the amazing little ways I show up, progress, and make a difference each day.

Two weeks ago, waking up feeling this way would have led to a day much different. It could’ve resulted in a week much different too, with the way I’d often spiral. But this is me progressing.

Even on a day I didn’t feel like it.