Vulnerability in friendships

I caught up with a friend last night. In conversation, they shared they were in a very dark place. So dark, they timidly admitted in the most roundabout way, they have thought about hurting their self. I think they thought this information would stun me. I listened completely. Letting them get everything out without interruption. I could tell this was terrifying to put into words and share with me. My heart swelled with compassion and understanding? I put understanding with a question mark because do I get it? Don’t we all?

I have certainly sat with the idea of things being simpler if I didn’t exist and had days where existing took all the energy I had. I don’t think ideas like this, depression- are all that uncommon. To be human is to struggle and feel heaviness, it’s a part of the experience. Maybe some of us feel this heaviness more than others, but human suffering isn’t meant for comparison. We all carry a load.  I don’t say this to belittle my friend's heaviness but the opposite. Our depression doesn’t make us unique. It has the ability to unite us and strengthen us in the most beautiful way.

Our depression is a liar. It makes us hide and isolate. We think no one will understand or they will judge. Our mind convinces us that safety is in secrecy. So we pretend everything is fine and let this monster breed and grow in the crevices of our minds. The way we protect this “secret” is the monster's way of surviving. The monster knows it won’t last if you talk about it. Our ego is what is telling us to hide away. We are ashamed that we don’t seem able to cope or maintain happiness like everyone else. Shame is our ego's best friend. Our ego loves to control us.

Sharing, connecting, and being vulnerable threatens our shame and ego. Hence why we feel this desperation to tuck away our struggles and act like everything is fine, letting shit fester inside us. Shame's biggest opponent is vulnerability. Being vulnerable is scary, but it is magical. What we feel like never admitting to another soul is most likely what needs to be shared the most in order to heal and grow. By being vulnerable with me, my friend gained an ally against their dark thoughts. The dark thoughts have more to fight against now. I hope these thoughts never win the battle. I know fighting is hard. It’s tiring. It’s lonely and it’s scary. But it’s a lot less of all of those things when you do not do it alone.

Now that this friend shared with me, I’m going to be there. I am going to send texts and expect them to go unanswered, but I’ll send them anyways. I am going to call, leave voicemails, and do what I can to just chat. I will reach out to set up meet-ups when it suits us.

I am going to let go of the idea that I’m bothering my friends and they don’t want to talk to me. This is my ego lying to me again. I am going to show up for my friends the way I want them to show up for me. I read once before that when you are really wanting something, give it instead. If I am desperate for a certain type of friend, I need to be that same type of friend for others.

We are adults and everyone is busy. So busy, that saying busy isn’t worth saying anymore. But I am not too busy to send a text to say “Hey! I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing alright”. Or maybe even that’s too formal. Maybe it comes in the form of a funny screenshot or a picture or video of something my kids did. Small gestures to let a friend know that despite life, I think about you and I will always be here when shit hits the fan, you’re feeling blue, there’s something worth celebrating, or for no reason at all.

I’ve told myself a lot of lies about friendships as I’ve gotten older. Thinking I am less reliant on them and their increasing dissipation doesn’t bother me. Though it’s true, friendships later in life evolve and look much different than premarriage/pre-babies friendships. What’s not true is that I’m not affected by the fleeting nature of my old friendships and I feel less of a need for great friends. I question my role in friendships. Do I fit here? Am I welcome? Is this reciprocated? Does being a mom eliminate me from this circle? How about sobriety? Gone are my days of environmental/situational friendships being a stay-at-home mom. Every friendship I have takes intentional effort. It’s making the choice to reach out, being vulnerable, and risking rejection. Rejection, no matter the circumstance, is a hit to the ego. Adult friendships can be hard to make and even harder to maintain, but they’re worth it.

Science even supports this. People with strong, quality relationships lead longer and healthier lives. Humans are social creatures that thrive off of connections. It’s not about the quantity but the quality of these relationships. No one person should be expected to fill every facet of my needs. It’s okay to have friends with niche roles in my life. Each friend doesn’t have to be treated equally but they all bring something to the table. Flowers grow where I water them. I will get back what I pour in. I will reap what I sow.

I will not let shame and fear hold me back from friendships. The most beautiful friendships are riddled with vulnerability and honesty. They say I see you and you see me, and I am still happily here.

So friend from last night, even with you showing me that dark monster in your mind, I am still happily here and I always will be.